Do I Offend? Apparently So

A few weeks ago, I found myself sitting around with a group of well-seasoned women - read a collection of women, some older than my own mother and grandmother. One noted that I must have had a hell of a time lately after reading more recent columns. Why, yes, it was true, but it was only the tip of the proverbial iceberg. I confessed that I suspected I was in the throes of a true mid-life crisis. Nothing was wrong, per se. But nothing was sure the hell right, either.

One woman commented perhaps it was hormones. Yes, quite possible considering there are nights I wake up wondering if I've wet the bed only to realize it's a horrid bout of night sweats. Yeah, I do so look forward to menopause. (That was sarcasm.)

Another woman suggested I should have another child. My first instinct was to say thanks, but some days I don't want the two kids that I have. Which experience has taught me, even joking about something as such gets a reaction that labels you as a "bad mom" and not a human being with honest feelings and emotions. God forbid that anyone admit to having bad mom days and wondering why you wanted children in the first place. Heavens no, let's not ever be honest and say motherhood can be trying at best, and it's pretty normal to have feelings of misgiving about it. Let's just pretend life is grand and there's never any strife. I hope those rose-colored glasses aren't pinching your face so tightly it's cutting off blood flow to your brain.

I said, "Two are enough, and besides that, I'm too old to be birthing more babies." I honestly believe that. I went on to explain that I personally (another thing I've learned, point out you're merely stating an opinion, not an ultimate truth applicable to all living beings, but a personal preference) think it can be a selfish move to have children when one is rapidly approaching their 40s.

I went on to explain that I have a few friends that didn't start having children until their early 30s. Now, they are closing in on middle age, have a couple holy terrors, and not the energy to contend with active kids. In fact, I know of two cases of late baby poppers who have their children on ADHD meds because they "just can't control their hyper children." Well, let me tell you. Healthy children are active, and when you're young, you have the energy to get up and do it all over again the next day after you've rescued a cat from the dryer or scrubbed Crayola off the ceiling.

I also noted that it seems unfair to me to have a child in late age because you aren't around long enough to be a good part of their life. I explained I realize that you could be hit by a bus tomorrow, leaving your kids orphans, but still. My mom had me when she was in her early 20s and I grew up surrounded by extended family. I knew what it was like to have great-grandparents. Even though I was 30 when my last grandpa passed away, I almost felt cheated somehow that I wasn't done learning from him. I'm very proud and glad that my children have experienced a sense of family.

So now that I'm 39, I didn't think I was in any position to have another child. I'd be well over 60 when the child was graduating college. And even though we're living longer than ever, it saddens me when someone so young loses a parent to nothing more than old age. I again emphasised it was in my opinion only that I was too old to bring another child into this world.

I understand it's different when someone has tried for a decade or more to get pregnant and it finally happens around the time menopause is sneaking in the side door. I realize women end up with a "surprise, it wasn't menopause, but you're knocked up" baby in later years. But for me, no thank you. The baby factory is closed for business.

This didn't set well with a woman who has to be approaching 90, if she's not there already. She said, "My daughter had a baby when she was 42, and her daughter is now 7, and I don't like what you're saying. I don't like it." She pointed her bony, arthritic finger at me while she said it.

I said, "It's only my opinion. My kids have had the benefit of great-grandparents and grandparents. They've had the benefit of me having the energy to keep up with them as toddlers. I'm adult enough to realize it's possible I'll barely have the energy for grandkids. Having kids at 40 isn't for me."

Before I got shot a look of "don't be a troublemaker" from one of the ladies, I surmised that there will be an epidemic of 40somethings having children, patterning the celebrity maternity trend. But what most don't get is celebrities have the cold hard cash that it takes to pay a nanny, a young woman probably in her 20s who can chase a child down and get the Sharpee out of their hand before the artwork becomes permanent.

"Just my opinion, and I'm entitled to one," I said before I knew it was time to hush.

"I don't like what you're saying. I don't like it at all," the older woman said again.

Well, tough. It's not the first time I offended someone, and I doubt it'll be the last.