Meeting Up with the Future

I had to run to the bank this morning for the youngest child to get his paycheck cashed. Since I was in the downtown area of the boomin' metropolis that is my hometown, I decided to stop into the herb shop.

I walked in, and the woman asked, "Can I help you?"

"I hope so," I sighed. "Since they banned ephedra, I've gained more weight than I'm willing to admit."

She gave me a look of compassion. Her eyes said to me, "Oh, honey, I know."

"Show me what you've got because I'm getting desperate," I told her.

Now, I know nothing beats healthy eating, exercise, and weight training. It's a double-edged sword of great size and portion. And speaking of great size, so is my ass. My once svelte physique has grown soft, lumpy, and downright middle-agish.

Okay, by svelte, I mean my once "built-like-a-chubby-12-year-old-boy" form has transformed into a "built-like-a-chubby-12-year-old-boy-with-Gynecomastia."

I don't suppose I should complain that I've got more boobs than I've had in a very, very long time. The problem is baby's got more back than she's had in a long time, too.

The lady at the herb store showed me a few things, which probably would have added up to about $300.54. Then she brought out a packaged two-week supply of the same ingredients. In years past, I bought the pre-packaged herbs, then containing ephedra, and I had great success with it.

That double-edged sword I mentioned is this - when you need to drop a few pounds, chances are you feel so much like a slug, you really have trouble getting back into it. When I'd take ephedra for a couple weeks, my energy returned. I'd notice inches dropping, and this would motivate me to get out the work-out DVDs and weights.

I didn't rely on ephedra to maintain my weight. But it did help give me the boost of energy I needed. If a couple pounds started sneaking up on me, I'd take it for a few weeks, and I'd get a handle on it...as opposed to getting the lovehandles that I'm soon to be sporting any week now at the rate I'm going.

But as it usually goes, some asshats have to ruin something good for everyone else by abusing it. I somehow suspect that crystal meth was being made out of it as opposed to the actual worry that the dumbasses who were abusing it were dying from it.

So we'll see what happens.

Also, when I was out and about, I stopped by the grocery. I saw my future, and it made me smile a little.

This old woman, and by old, I mean she had to have been 80 at the minimum exited the check out lane and headed for the doors.

"If that bitch was any slower, she would have been going backwards," she proclaimed to the others she was with.

"I could have got behind that register and scanned my shit quicker than that slow ass. I guess they don't hire nothing but damn retards at this store."

What proved the point even further that this will be me in 40 years or so was her long, white ponytail.

I suspect by the time I'm 80, my hair will finally be that long. Because heaven knows, anytime my hair starts to get a decent, shoulder-length, I go do something stupid to it the inevitably fries it to the root.

And there was the white thing. I assume by the time that I'm that old, I will have given up on Miss Clariol.

If the woman hadn't been thinner than a rail, I might have actually thought I time travelled and witnessed my future self as an old broad.